i am staying at my grandmother's house tonight because my mom can't be here. literally 30 seconds after i walked into her house she was sobbing. she was upset about her medication&that someone would come in the middle of the night to take her away and put her in a home&that she is forgetting more things.
luckily, she still really trusts and listens to my sister and i. she will be honest with us and does what we ask her to, which she no longer does with my mother and uncle.
in the next four weeks my developmental 2 class will cover ages 75-death. if the word dementia is mentioned, i may break down.
i also have a lit history 2 exam and a roundtable presentation against education in America tomorrow. i am not prepared for either yet. i dislike the neoclassical poets and the romantics' sublime makes me dizzy.
spring weekend starts thursday so that should be interesting.
It was either do an update or do actual work, and we all know that wasn't happening. My roommate broke some bones in one foot yesterday and sprained the other ankle. She fell down the auditorium stairs at her dance recital. Five hours later, she left the E.R. and headed home with her mom for a few days. So I am here, roommate-less, which is an odd feeling for someone who loves her roommate and just generally having someone around. She's on crutches but in lots of pain so I don't expect to see her until finals start on Saturday. Ironically enough, I feel down a flight of stairs today on my way to my 8:30 class that I would have walked with her to. I managed to land on my feet, but my back and arm are pretty sore now. Apparently, we suck at stairs.
I've been getting bored and apathetic here lately. I think break will be a good chance to put everything back in to perspective. I'll be spending a week in Maryland, which helped me immensely in May. I went down there a sobbing mess and came back armed and ready to face the world.
For no reason in particular, I have been so happy today. Despite the fact that my alarm didn't go off(my phone died overnight), and being rushed and having a crazy class and a bunch of commitments tonight, I am still smiling.
This is just so odd because for the past few months, days like this have been so few and far between. And it probably doesn't mean anything at all, but that fact that I am happy is making me even more happy, which is insane in and of itself. But hey, I'll take what I can get.
So I'll shut up and just enjoy it and not try to analyze the hell out of it. : D
They say you learn something new every day. Last night, I was freaking out and breaking down so I went for a run in 30 degree weather. In shorts and a t-shirt. It was so nice. And, here is where the learning comes in, I now know what that kind of weather makes bare skin feel like after 20 minutes. Why I thought going for a run would solve life's issues is beyond me at this moment.
To put this in context; last night, I also thought that being a nun might be a good idea for a full 2 or 3 minutes. Then I realized that to be a nun, one must 1. have a very strong faith in something and 2. be willing to give up sex forever. Neither of those apply to me. So, that quickly ended that idea.
In summary; I may very well be loosing my marbles.
I took a yoga class for the first time today and it was an experience and a half. I totally bombed at a few of the poses and just out and out couldn't do two of them. The fact that a fifty-something year old lady who works in our writing center whooped my ass at yoga made me laugh. My friends and I agreed to go back for at least a few weeks to work on it and see what happens. It was just a really fun, light experience.
I'm back on a Bruce Springsteen kick again.
I've been writing more.
In the time I've been back since break, I've made two big mistakes. But I'm learning from them. I honestly feel like I have more direction since I've messed up. I still have no idea what I'm going to major in or what I want to do with my life, but I have the day-to-day actions under much better control. I think. I hope.
I am tired to the point where no amount of makeup can hide these bags under my eyes and I've been told that I look high. I can't sleep well; I don't feel like I belong here, but I know I can't go to the house yet.
Side note; visiting the Academy made me realize that, although I do miss the people, I am sincerely happy to be done with that place.
Also, I want to be just like Sophia on the Golden Girls when I am old.
This is what I get for watching the Golden Girls at 1 am.
Talking with friends who are now home or about to go home from our first semester of college has made me think a lot about the concept of "home" and a "family". I'm not sure how I feel about it all at the moment but I'll let you know in three weeks when I leave and go back to school.
Christmas is here again and memories of last year make me nervous; my family does not do well at christmas, especially last year.It all makes me paranoid and makes me think that this can never just be a normal holiday here; I'm on edge expecting something bad to happen. Hopefully I will be proven wrong. I just wish we could decorate.
Saying goodbye to everyone at college just makes me excited to be back there after break. Yes, there was major girl drama recently and we did all need a break, but I do like being at college. There are things I need to work on next semester, but I've already starting planning how I can accomplish those new goals. When I am at school, I feel like I am actually living my life. At home, I am the youngest daughter. There, I am just one of everyone else, trying to figure everything out and have fun in the process.
The Spill Canvas, Augustana, and OneRepublic concert last night. Did I mention that I LOVE live music? It had been so long since I had been to a real concert; during the first song, I was initially surprised/scared that I could feel the music reverberating off of my chest. I was sure I was going to faint from the force. But the music only got louder and the vibrations got stronger and it all felt as normal as feeling my own heart beat after a while.
Augustana had a great performance that included taking shots on stage and a surprise by one of their crew members who, since it was the last night of the tour, decided to come on stage in only black underwear. The guys of Augustana were shocked and could barely pull themselves together enough to finish out the song. When they sang 'Boston', the whole place went crazy and began to scream along the lyrics, which really amused the band. He must have been on some nice drugs though, because the lead ended up laying on the floor with a microphone trying to talk to us...
OneRepublic was amazing. There was so much energy and effort and talent and love. Before they came on, we saw the crew set up the stage, which included an oriental rug and cozy lamps. Right before the music started, they lit incense and two candles and then came out full force. I fell in love with the cellist, Brent Kutzle, and of course, lead Ryan Tedder. I will marry one of them someday. Between the two of them, the power behind the music was insane.
Although the best part may have been the encore, which included "For What It's Worth" with OneRepublic joining forces with Augustana.
I'm seriously considering transferring. I am too comfortable here. Some people are great; I love my friends and my professors are fine. It is too small and just a giant bubble like high school. I want to know now if I can sink or swim, but we don't even have an effing pool here.
I just need to fake-smile my way through this huge family party on Saturday and see what happens after that.